I can't decide if it's better to want things or not.
When I want, I am in pain. I never just want, I yearn. Whether it's for a designer scarf with a price tag I cringe to look at, or whether it's the approval of someone I admire, I feel like I have to have it. I have to have it or else my heart feels as though it'll shrink, shrivel so far into my chest that my nails will have to grow to the length of talons so that I can claw it out and slowly nurse it back to health. Or worse yet is when my heart feels like it's leaving my body. When it has its own mind to run away with its desires, resigning my lifeless body to to chase after its missing piece. I can never just want, I always have to need.
And when I don't want, when my heart is benign and I should be content, I am in disarray. I am lost and aimless, sinking deep and floating high. I have no impulses nor desires, no inclinations to choose. I am malleable and weak, but strong in my complacency. The static so powerful it's overwhelming - coming in from all directions at once with no rhyme nor reason. I can't be complacent, I'm only ever lost.
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