Saturday, May 28, 2011

for life in the cage where courage's mate runs deep in the wake

My life has been a series of choices I've made because they were the ones that presented themselves to me. I'm often unsure that I've made any decisions at all.

Everything has always conformed to plan that's been set out for me. Go to school, go do some more school, earn a professional degree, work, have a career, make money, live a life. I haven't deviated from the plan and the only options within the plan are choice of school and choice of degree - of which my options have been slim and  my choices were based on rules that set the plan.

I make my choices based on a weighing of all my options. I aim for everything within my power and when I am offered an objectively valuable option, I take it. I take it automatically. I do this because every choice is another step in the plan and I'm incapable of refusing the plan's best option. Every choice that I have ever made is simply the result of picking whichever was the most valuable options. A computer model could make these choices. A computer model can catalog the level of prestige, the level of recognition and the level of income that every option will lead to and then just choose option with the largest theoretical profit. A computer model would have made the same decisions I have made. A computer model could live my life for me.

I am confined and I am afraid of finding out that my life is going to be series of milestones, none of which I ever had the option of not achieving. But most of all, I'm afraid because I'm ending this entry by saying -

- so is life.