lest I put it off, for I put it right for the impossible soul

I've never been a believer of fairy tales and happily ever afters, but I want to believe in soul mates. I don't, but I want to. I want to think that there's another being out there that holds the spirit with which mine finds peace. I don't want to just feel contentment. I want to feel a deep longing that is never sated, yet feeling complete at the same time.

My soul lives through times and dimensions beyond our basic comprehension, existing as both human and non-human alike. And it'll be searching, always looking in the back its mind for the one other being that will make it feel truly loved beyond words can describe. Sometimes it'll find it, and they'll be happy. Truly happy and so fortunate that the stars aligned in their favour. Sometimes they won't be happy. Sometimes things just won't work out because perhaps they'll realize too late or never at all. And maybe sometimes they won't find each other at all. But they'll make the best of it, patiently await until the next world and the next lifetime in which they can try again to fill the last dormant corner of their souls. A true homecoming.

re: critics of Dianna Agron and her “LIKES GIRLS” shirt OR What I Think It Means to Be An Ally

The majority of my dash all day has been mostly supportive of Dianna wearing the “LIKES GIRLS” shirt and her explanation of why she did that. But I’ve come across a few posts that have made me realize this view obviously isn’t held by everyone. I’ve seen quite a few posts saying that Dianna’s actions were actually hurtful to her proposed cause in that someone who identifies as an “ally” of the LGBT community shouldn’t purport to understand what that community is going through because they actually can’t know exactly what they are going through. Critics of Dianna’s actions, while mostly acknowledging that she does have good intentions, refer to the fact that she doesn’t understand what it feels like to be a lesbian because, as a person of privilege, she can take that shirt off at the end of the day.

While I understand the point of view of the critics, and what they are saying has merit, I still don’t really see how what Dianna did can constitute anything less than good. I understand that Dianna doing something that insinuated that she was a lesbian when she is not can be seen as belittling those who actually are lesbians - I fully understand this. It’s the exact reason that while as I may find myself physically attracted to a female celebrity from time to time or am completely open to the possibility of one day being sexually attracted to a woman (despite never having been to this date), I would still never identify myself as a bisexual because I feel that my doing so would reduce what it actually means to be someone who identifies by that label.

What I gather from Dianna’s Tumblr entry, however, seems to show very clearly that what she did was by no means her trying to relate her own experiences of being marginalized to that of a lesbian’s. Yes, she does talk about marginalization of many types, referring to not only prejudice faced by the LGBT community, but the prejudice that many people face at large. And while the marginalization that Dianna and similar allies of the LGBT community have faced can never be the same (please read “never be the same”, not better or worse) than that faced by the LGBT community, it is by no means a bad way to get people to start thinking about a basic way that those who are not allies can begin becoming one. Yes, an ally can never fully comprehend what it’s like. But how can any of us be allies without first being sympathetic? And how can any of us be sympathetic without first attempting empathy? Dianna’s pointing it out for us.

I will very obviously never know exactly what it’s like to be a member of the LGBT community. I cannot even begin to fathom the fears many members of that community face when coming out to their family and friends, when deciding whether to hide their sexual orientation for fear of opportunity loss or ridicule. I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to be singled out and labeled for something that feels so natural, yet be told is so wrong. I accept this. But in order to be any kind of help at all in bringing equality for the LGBT community, and for a cause that I am as passionate about as Dianna, I had to begin by reaching into myself to find what I feel are the most basic tenants of humanity and see those qualities in everyone else. Striving for equality begins with being able to relate and find that when someone marginalizes you, you would feel as awful about yourself as I do about myself when someone marginalizes me.

Although it could be inferred from Dianna’s words that the prejudices faced by the LGBT community are relatable to an extent, as allies we obviously understand that the degree to which we are marginalized is not the same. It is due to this understanding that we are allies. I choose to be an ally because I see the disparity in the ways in which my heterosexual label affords me privileges that those identifying with a homosexual, bisexual, transgender or pansexual label don’t have. It is because I see these disparities that I work towards gaining equality for the LGBT community and consider myself an ally. It begins with being able to understand, and being able to understand doesn’t mean a full understanding of what it is to be a member of the community. I would never imply that (and neither does Dianna). It begins with the very primitive grasp of the notion that I wouldn’t want to be ridiculed for my sexual orientation or any label that I identify with, and no one else would either.

Yes, Dianna can take that shirt off at the end of the day. But she never intended for people to think that her donning a shirt saying “LIKES GIRLS” meant she was coming out as a lesbian. She clearly says that she did it as a celebration of being able to do something like this, exercising her right to wear a shirt like that and not be persecuted for it as someone may have been decades ago or even today in another part of the world. Dianna’s shirt is a celebration of the fact that we have begun to (please read “begun to”, not completely) remove the stigma of proclaiming affection for members of the same sex and/or gender. By wearing that shirt, she’s not belittling what it means to be a lesbian. She’s simply saying that she likes girls and even though it’s not the same way that a lesbian likes girls, she can very obviously understand why a lesbian would like girls that way. And that’s a message I will proudly attest to as an ally.

for life in the cage where courage's mate runs deep in the wake

My life has been a series of choices I've made because they were the ones that presented themselves to me. I'm often unsure that I've made any decisions at all.

Everything has always conformed to plan that's been set out for me. Go to school, go do some more school, earn a professional degree, work, have a career, make money, live a life. I haven't deviated from the plan and the only options within the plan are choice of school and choice of degree - of which my options have been slim and  my choices were based on rules that set the plan.

I make my choices based on a weighing of all my options. I aim for everything within my power and when I am offered an objectively valuable option, I take it. I take it automatically. I do this because every choice is another step in the plan and I'm incapable of refusing the plan's best option. Every choice that I have ever made is simply the result of picking whichever was the most valuable options. A computer model could make these choices. A computer model can catalog the level of prestige, the level of recognition and the level of income that every option will lead to and then just choose option with the largest theoretical profit. A computer model would have made the same decisions I have made. A computer model could live my life for me.

I am confined and I am afraid of finding out that my life is going to be series of milestones, none of which I ever had the option of not achieving. But most of all, I'm afraid because I'm ending this entry by saying -

- so is life.

for love is the breath

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.

 - Richard Siken

I have a love for passages that make me wish deeply that I knew the feelings that they are conveying. When words strike you so profoundly that you feel as though you've lived its story, but in reality you are so incredibly removed that afterwards you feel empty.

I find it strangely fulfilling.

trying to be something that I wasn't at all

A lot of days I wake up feeling like life is a gift I was given,
but it's a gift that I didn't ask for.
A gift that I'm going to waste because I don't know what to do with it.
And it terrifies me.