There is something extremely crippling about exams. For those of us who honestly believe we're trying our very best and not getting the results we want, or need rather, I feel you.
When we were all growing up, our elementary school teachers and our parents filled us with ideas of omnipotence. "You can do anything!" they cheered, "The sky is the limit!" they claimed. We create lists of opportunities that life has to offer us. "I'm going to be an astronaut!" we cheered, "I'm going to be a famous artist!" we claimed. When I look back on it now, there's something about the whole scenario that doesn't sit well with me at all. I like to think of myself as an optimist, but ever since coming to university and swimming with the other big fish in the big pond, I feel very disillusioned. As you grow older, you'll find that that list of possibilities gets cut shorter and shorter with every passing birthday.
As the list gets shorter, the story starts to change. Instead of personal talents and value, we start to find that everyone is now stressing the importance of hard work instead. Putting in that effort, going the extra mile, that's what's going to get us where we want to be. And it all makes complete sense - it really does. Put in the time and reap the rewards is so intrinsic in us that it should be a law of physics by now.
But life doesn't really work this way, or so I've come to realize, and exams are a big part of that. If your aims are to become a doctor, a lawyer, or anything that requires a university education, you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about. When we were all making lists of what we wanted to be when we grew up, we based those goals on our interests and our talents. We never begun to factor in this third governing body that is the education system. All of a sudden, my diploma is going to either open or close doors for me. To a degree, your natural talents and your hard work definitely still do matter, but it's no longer nearly as simple as you thought it was before entering university.
An undergrad just isn't cutting it anymore. You need to get into med school, law school, grad school, anything. Another step on the ladder just appeared out of nowhere and completely blindsided you. The importance of the courses you chose, the exams you're going to write, the papers you're going to turn in - suddenly the impact of every one of these things is hitting you hard. As if this one course is going to make or break all your hopes and dreams, determine what you're going to do for the rest of your life and seal you into a lifestyle you can never get out of.
Of course I'm exaggerating and life is not anything as clear cut as this, but at one point or another this is how we've all felt about school. It's not a matter of failing one course. It's a matter of failing a course that you need to complete a degree, that is going to help you into another degree, that is going to open up the door to your dream job. That's what it's about for the academic class, at least in these undergrad years when some of us feel guilty for sleeping a bit longer or going out for a drink with our friends when we can be studying instead.
Excuse my bout of undergrad anxiety. I thought if I put the feelings into text and laid them out before me then it would all seem less daunting. Truth be told, even now that I've outlined a way of life, it hasn't removed the enormity of the situation. One exam won't change my life, but the smallest consequences create a completely unpredictable ripple. No matter how many forks in the road we speculate on, there's still something mysterious about looking into the mass unknown. I guess the moral of the university years is to know where you want to be and make a plan for how to get there, but just try not to fall apart when it does.
A) Exactly how I've been feeling.
ReplyDeleteB) Lovely bit of writing here, m'dear. Keep it up!
well written truths. sometimes it's hard to deal with the fact that the majority of your grade rests on one exam/paper/whatever and that your entire future depends heavily on your grades (not really but that seems to be the feeling at times). it all seems hypocritical because what's the point of stressing well-roundedness when push comes to shove it's the grades that matter the most. but there are usually loopholes and i wonder if this could change if we all just stopped buying into it and said fuck you, this is crazy. people shouldn't have to feel guilty about not studying 24/7.
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