Absence of absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I can't decide if it's better to want things or not.

When I want, I am in pain. I never just want, I yearn. Whether it's for a designer scarf with a price tag I cringe to look at, or whether it's the approval of someone I admire, I feel like I have to have it. I have to have it or else my heart feels as though it'll shrink, shrivel so far into my chest that my nails will have to grow to the length of talons so that I can claw it out and slowly nurse it back to health. Or worse yet is when my heart feels like it's leaving my body. When it has its own mind to run away with its desires, resigning my lifeless body to to chase after its missing piece. I can never just want, I always have to need.

And when I don't want, when my heart is benign and I should be content, I am in disarray. I am lost and aimless, sinking deep and floating high. I have no impulses nor desires, no inclinations to choose. I am malleable and weak, but strong in my complacency. The static so powerful it's overwhelming - coming in from all directions at once with no rhyme nor reason. I can't be complacent, I'm only ever lost.

Writing a PSE feels like I'm on a dinner date with my laptop.

Writing a Personal Statement of Experience (PSE) is actually one of the most tedious things I have ever had to do - and this is coming from someone who has written more papers and worked in more groups than I can even remember in the last three years of my undergraduate degree. There's something extremely cumbersome to me about having to talk about my accomplishments. Most people love the opportunity to be able to expand on their duties in an organization or project beyond just the few bullet points that a resume permits, and I can obviously understand the value, but I just never know what to say.

I've accomplished a lot in my four years of undergrad, and I go above and beyond to build myself up to being an ideal candidate. I'm never not busy - I stretch myself in every degree and in every direction I can think of. But when you put it all in words, I can't help but feel that it's all disingenuous. I did all of this for me - not for the good of the school, the community, my transcript or applications. I did these things because I feel the need to fill all the crevices of my life with things that keep me busy, things that make me feel rewarded. And there's just no way to convey that in text.

Point at issue.

Even more than I want people to understand that sexuality is not a choice you make, and God knows how much I want this, I want it to not matter even if it were a choice.

Sometimes when I'm trying to fight for LGBT rights and my best defense is that sexuality is due to genetics and not a conscious choice that someone is making, it makes me sad. It almost feels like I'm saying we should take pity on those who were born with this defect and since it was out of their control, we shouldn't fault them for it. Almost as if I was comparing sexuality to a disability. It just doesn't sit right.

I want sexuality to be accepted, no matter the orientation. Sexual orientation, no matter what it is, should not be seen as a disability or anything that makes anyone less than anyone else. It's not a disadvantage and it's not a defect. So why should it matter whether it's genetic or a choice? Even if someone chooses to be a homosexual, why is that a bad thing?

The more we rely on the "biological" argument for gaining acceptance for the LGBT community, we are obscuring the real issue. LGBT rights shouldn't be granted because people of the community didn't have a choice. It's not a disability that we need to compensate for. The real issue that we should be tackling is the fact that being homosexual is still seen a problem and an unfavorable option in some societies.

What we should be doing is showing that homosexuality is really not that different from heterosexuality beyond the mechanics. What we should be aiming for is equality. Not reluctant acceptance.

Growing up means getting clever.

When I was young I asked for toys for my birthday. I usually got clothing instead. When I was disappointed, my parents would say to me, "Is that Barbie going to keep you warm?"

When I got older, I asked for electronics for my birthday. Things like ipods, cellphones, and laptops. Again, I usually got clothing instead. When I was disappointed, my parents would say to me, "Is that Blackberry going to keep you warm?"

I noticed a pattern.

For my birthday this year, my parents offered to buy me a MacBook Pro. But when I asked for an Alexander McQueen scarf instead, I could tell my father was disappointed in my choice for the materialistic option as opposed to the practical option. When he asked for an explanation, I replied, "Is the MacBook Pro going to keep me warm?"

Can you really blame me for learning my lesson?

fire away, fire away - ricochet, you take your aim.

I want to be a good writer so badly. And when I say this, I mean I want to be a good writer qua writing. Beyond just good sentence structure, I want to be concise, I want to write with clarity and poise. The thing is, I also value the poeticism of rarely spoken words. I want my words to have a lyricism that I never have to point out and for them to resonate, to appear bolded or italicized without me ever having to actually click those buttons.

I want to be able to speak like I write and have friends who will think it's completely ordinary. I want to stop feeling like I'm an endangered species - a dying breed.